2011

welcome it with flowers and washing away the past - I want a kiss at midnight (true or fake, I don't mind)

Rancor (because I don't know a better word in any other language) or an exorcism

I was kneeling at Old Bull's grave while she was going down on you

I was tattooing my pain away while she was fucking her pain away in your bed

Then I realized what just happened - I'm a fucking psychologist (if there were any doubts)

So I decided to go back to my black days for the few remaining weeks

You were riding bikes with her while I was riding a different car every weekend

You were paying her attention while I was showing someone my great data and my body

You were being a cliche thinking about going back to her while I was being a cliche by fucking someone in the copier room

You were confused and retrying the taste of a pseudo-rock star while I was not confused at all and trying the taste of a real rock star with a hot british accent

Then, Halloween came and I was... 

You were amazed by her great body and sex, while everyone else was amazed by ME

I could have stayed there... I could and I can, I don't know if I want to...

 Christina Heaston

Now, I just want to forget about this and move on, with you. I need to exorcize the reamining ghosts and all the rancor... I used to hate my tattoo because it reminds me of you and her together; but now it will remind me of how I can always turn the tables

a different task...

Eugenio Recuenco

Tape ain't gonna fix it
Honey, it ain't gonna stick to you
Six kinds of glue
Won't hold you
(...)

 YOU'VE GOT  TO GO STRAIGHT AHEAD

(Tape Song - The Kills)

going back....

daqui

 

Blind love you got me spinning like a wind up toy*

 

Imogen Heap - Say Goodnight and Go

I don't know if I should call this crazy weird unknown and unexpected feeling love... Honestly, I don't want to, because it would seem too definitive and too painful if it's not definitive, and probably it isn't either of these...

I guess I'm going with the flow, but in a much better way than I did in the past. I really want it, I don't feel the doubts or the indifference I'm used to feel under this circumstances. I'm just relaxed and enjoying this hunger to be with someone, this lack of concentration, this silly smile in my face... I was warned I may get disappointed and I don't care as long as you want me right now as you said you do, because I do... 

This is so not me... spinning like a wind up toy, and this time I don't think Nirvana could provide the soundtrack... (maybe later...)

*Juliette and The Licks

Dizziness

Back home. 

But home became a meaningless word. For all this time I built a house in a different place. The other house saw me grow and it's where I tried hard to leave my growing pains. This house saw me change and calm down. I gained some self-love but lost some uniqueness... Well, I also gained other type of uniqueness...

Now I'll always miss something and it won't be something about the places or even the people, it will be something about myself. I'll never feel complete in one place or another. 

I wonder if someone can change this feeling someday. I wish I could call home to a flesh and bone place instead of a brick and stone one... And it's probably the first time I allow myself to think this and truly feel it. Maybe ontogenesis is replicating phylogenesis and I'm evolving to accept the need of bonds and ties, despite all my fears and resistence to it.

For now, the truth is that there is no home, just a perpetual dizziness, an impaired spatial perception and a rough notion of equilibrium...